Shambles

KNOW the man you’re going to marry. This has been heavy on my mind lately as I watch those around me in their relationships. My husband is incredible. He is human. He is fun. He is kind. He is strong. He is sweet. He is messy. He has flaws. He is complicated, just as I am complicated. As humans, we are a collage of so many characteristics that make us unique, but also make us relatable. I do not expect my husband to be perfect, and he does not expect perfection from me. He expects that sometimes I will have great days, sometimes I’ll have hard days, sometimes I’ll have blah days, and sometimes I’ll have fun days. Because we are human, our lives fluctuate and we adapt to life, as best we can, as it happens.

I know my husband deeply. I know how he will react and adapt in different situations. I know what his priorities are, where his intentions lie, and how his heart works. I know who and what he puts first, and I KNOW that I can rest in our marriage. This may sound odd, using the word ‘rest’. When people talk about marriage, a lot of the time they reference the work that a marriage takes. They focus on the fact that you have to work hard on your marriage to keep intimacy, remain on the same page, communicate well, etc. There is some truth to that, but the intensity needs to be taken down a notch.

My husband and I have been together since we were eighteen. We will have been together for nine years, and married for four of those this October. We have grown through different stages of life together. I have seen my husband at his absolute best, and at his absolute lowest. He has seen the same of me in return. We spent two years of college together, and then three years of long-distance before marriage. During that time we had degree changes, career changes, state moves, the death of my mom, family struggles, and some of the best times of our lives sprinkled in between.

While experiencing heartbreak, sadness, depression, anger, and confusion, I could not always be my own anchor. He showed up for me. He listened to my venting, was patient during my bouts of anger, and helped me untangle my thoughts, or quiet them when it all became too much to process in the moment. He did not become impatient or angry with me. There was no judgement or condemnation. There was just a man who wanted to help the pain. There was an underlying consistency that created an atmosphere of safety and the ability to rest.

Just as I had times when I needed him to be my anchor, there were times when he needed me to be his. There was a period of time when he dealt with his own frustrations, anger, confusion, and fear of making the right decisions for his future. In that time, he was still consistent when it would’ve been more convenient to be unpredictable. He still helped to create an atmosphere where we could rest.

This is why I do not feel that my marriage requires striving—the intensity to WORK. I know my husband and he knows me. Are there times that we aren’t on the same page? Yes. Are there times when we argue and feel frustrated with one another? Absolutely. Are we humans with messy and complicated emotions? One hundred percent. BUT. We have the same goal. We want the other person to have the ability to succeed, to thrive, to grow, and that can’t happen when we are only thinking of ourselves. Even in the midst of struggles, we can rest and feel safe in the relationship that we have built, because we know that our focus is not on ‘what can I get,’ but ‘how can I help?’

Something that I have learned over the years through different experiences, is that human beings can only hide their true character for about three months. After the three month mark, cracks begin to form in the facade and red flags, that weren’t necessarily there before, start popping up. It is highly important to pay attention to these red flags, and take action as needed. This is what I mean by ‘KNOW the man you are going to marry’. Observe your prospective life partner in different circumstances before committing to them for the rest of your life. Pay attention to your gut. Make sure that there is a consistency and a balance in your relationship. It has been heartbreaking to watch people I care about commit quickly to someone that begins to crack after three months, the consistency falters, and yet excuses are made for the behavior and the relationship carries on.

I encourage you to find a relationship in which you can rest. Where ‘working on your marriage,’ or your relationship, consists of the two of you continuing to walk through life together, helping one another grow—challenging one another to succeed and thrive. After three months, it is not supposed to feel difficult. After a year, or two, or three, it is not supposed to feel like a trial. It is to feel like safety, respect, consistency, love, and passion—a passion for one another and for the life that you are building together.